May 23, 2011 - Day 8

"We too have been hurt and cry out our pain, our disappointments, our incapacity to relate, our aggressiveness and anger. We can cry out as if in a void or we can cry out to God." (pg 125)

"God is meek and gentle of heart so that we need not be frightened to open up." (pg 126)

"Only God can answer fully our cry for communion and call us to live in communion with one another." (pg 127)

"It is only through a gift of the Holy Spirit that we can allow ourselves to become open and vulnerable and can be faithful to a communion of hearts with another." (pg 127)

      Oh goodness today was definitely not only a physically wearing day, but emotionally and mentally. We started out the day in prayer (awesome as always, especially Psalm 56 and 57). We then went to Woodruff park and played chess with some of the guys. As soon as we walked into the area, Chris, a guy I have cheered on and won 2 times!, remembered me and greeted me. We played chess for a while and then I played chess with Larry who taught me well. After that we had lunch and proceeded to the Lot where we met up with our old friends. As we were waiting to cross the street, I saw Josh and he saw me and we began hanging out. That is when things got intense. We just started talking about our days and Josh told me how Sunday night he walked around Atlanta the entire time and didn't get back until 5:30 am. He went all the way past Tech and back so he didn't get much sleep. Then he wanted to draw but I didn't have a pen so he went inside, grabbed one, and came back to draw. I sat next to Brandy and talked to her and Josh. 

      We began playing music and one of the songs was "Sheep go to Heaven" by Cake. I just finished looking at the music video and I understood what Josh was saying to me earlier today. He said he was a sheepgoat and that he's neither going to Heaven or Hell. He also said that he is the son of Lucifer and that he knows that he shouldn't have been born. He was frustrated to think that he couldn't survive on an $8 an hour job because that couldn't support renting an apartment that is safe here in Atlanta. He said how life isn't the same as a child than as a 22 year old and how he can't support himself because he has no money. Listening in on our conversation was a guy named Antoine who asked if he had parents. Josh said yes but that they wouldn't support him. Antoine, who was so wise, told him that he should go back to his parents because there is always the hope of making up. Josh said that that wasn't likely to happen but Antoine told him that he lost his parents so he wishes he could do that. That kinda hit Josh but even then he lost sight of the conversation. 

      Everytime we talked, we always lost track of the conversation we had because he would always forget what we were talking about. He said he had done drugs since he was 13 and has been caught many times since then. I know that drugs have probably affected his way of thinking and it just breaks my heart. He went to jail for 3 years because of burglary because he ran away from home and since then he's been homeless. He has a broken relationship with his parents and with God. I never knew how complicated things were until today. Antoine made a good point of trying to reconnect with his parents, but I don't think Josh understood it. So I asked if I could speak to him privately. 

      We began talking about everything. I don't even know where to begin. I told him that he can get out of where he is if he really wants to. That he doesn't necessarily have to depend on an "$8 per hour" salary to live. I told him that he still has a chance to reconnect with his parents- like Antoine said.. he still HAS parents. I also told him that I was meant to be here this summer to be friends with Josh, and he agreed, but that he wasn't supposed to be born. I told him how I didn't understand and he didn't understand either. He told me that he also doesn't know how to say what he is thinking outloud. I told him to give it a try and he did but he changed topic very easily. He then asked me what "lost" meant. I told him it was not knowing where you are, who you are, or what you believe in. He said that's what he is. I then told him about the passage where Jesus finds the lost lamb... and how He finds everyone. He then asked me about God. 

      He asked whether or not God is a man or a woman and I responded that He is universal and a Father who looks out for all his children that live on Earth. He didn't understand and got a little upset at God and that he doesn't like it because "all the women go to him". He believes that there should be a guy god and a girl god to where the men go to the girl and the girls go to the men. But before that he said he believed in many gods. He also said how he has been in the Lot in his past life. Then he switched topics to say that he wants to be an art teacher when he grows up so he can let them know how to draw what they want to draw. He then told me how he doesn't know why he is here and I told him that everything happens for a reason, whether it's to think about your past actions or to figure out what you want to do with your life- but that he can figure it out, and he can have a life besides the shelter. But he didn't understand because he's convinced that since he's been here in his past life that he will always remain here. Dear Lord, I don't know what to do. I feel useless. 

      He talked to me about his family and said I would like his dad because "he's cool" but he contradicted himself when he said  his parents didn't want him. Then he saw my ring and asked if he could see it. I told him that it's my favorite ring because it's to remind me to never go back to how I was before and to always remind me that God is working in my life. He liked that and we continued talking. He also believes that parents (older people) are of a different type and that we are a different type. I told him that we are all humans and are all equal but he didn't seem to understand that. 

      Dear Lord, I need the gift of speech. I usually am pretty good at saying how I feel and being able to relate it with my faith, but this is different. Josh doesn't really know what to believe in because of the life that he has gone through- and he is only 22. I need patience to help him through this. I want to be able to show the love of God through my actions in being there for him, being that stable friendship that so many people lack. But I also need to know that I can't take control of his life, only God can. But GOSH it is so frustrating and I feel completely and utterly helpless. I know that God worked miracles in my life as soon as I let go and gave it all to God. But it's so hard letting go of someone that I care for and want to see the best happen for him when he is so lost and confused- like the sheep that is lost from Jesus. I want Josh to know that God is in everything and that we must trust Him, but how can I tell him without seeming like the hundreds of other ministries who randomly come and visit them to hand out food and shove religion down their throat? 

      I don't want to be that person. I want to be his friend. I want to see his relationship with his parents grow, and most of all his relationship with God grow. I know that God is waiting for him with open arms and I just pray that one day he will run towards Him. I just feel useless because I don't know what to do. I'm planning on going tomorrow and continue talking to him, but Lord, I need the Holy Spirit to guide me throughout this entire time. Just to know what to say and what to do and to continue being there for him. Please continue praying. Sorry for the super long blog haha.

Jenny Sample